Yours Sincerely
by Aristhea
Summary: Sirius and Snape are sending each other insulting letters. What will become of them two? Slashy and vaguely insane.


Disclaimer's Notice: this is for my own fun only. I don't profit by it whatsoever.  
  
Dear Reader, err... This is insanity, written vaguely on the spur of the moment. If you are offended by the use of the F*** word, used once, then don't read this. Otherwise, it's pure insulting fun and slashy. Yea, slash, so there. If you don't like the thought of two boys being essentially ravenous for each other, don't read it.  
  
Enjoy!  
  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
The Letters  
  
*  
  
To the dearest slime-ball King (Severus Snape),   
  
When will you ever learn, that we will never accept you? I have seen you with your eyes which follow us around the halls. Don't think I haven't noticed you creeping around behind us like a bad stench?  
  
We hate you.  
  
You are incapable of ever realising that you can never be as good as James Potter. You're nothing but a feeble-bundle of empty threats and clingy-prissiness. I bet I know more hexes than you do! Get some friends of your own! You are just a sour wannabe who will never have any friends because you are too damn wrapped up in your world of misery. Why lie? Why not face the truth now, Snape?  
  
You're just not worth it.  
  
Yours faithfully,  
  
Sirius Black  
  
*  
  
With a roar of rage, Severus crunched the parchment hard, and thrust it into the fire at once. Striding towards the inkwell and paper, he flung out his great silver quill and scribbled the fiercest reply he could think of.  
  
*  
  
Dear ugly-git,  
  
You seem to think I envy your clan of gregarious gang of half-witted imbeciles. You are mistaken you fool, and if I ever got my hands on you, I'll tear off your head with my bare hands. If you think for one moment that I have an ounce of admiration for you or your pitiable friends, you are an even greater dunderhead than I took you for, Black.  
  
How can I ever respect idiots as egocentric and self-centred as you? After all, you seem to think you are above everybody! A few successful Quidditch Matches and a couple of broken rules makes you giddy with joy and false-superiority. It's not me who's pathetic. Tell Potter that if his head gets anymore bigger that he'll get it stuck in the door.   
  
Also, if you want any confirmation of my hexing credentials, I will gladly demonstrate my skills.   
  
Never write me again you idiotic flea-bag!  
Yours ever courteously (that's sarcasm if you didn't get it)  
  
Severus Snape   
  
*  
  
Wrenching the parchment angrily, he called for his owl and stuffed it into an envelope with a tiny stunning hex. A little bit of paralysis shouldn't hurt him…? He thought with a smile.  
  
"Celsus! Celsus! Come here!" he cried to his corporal long-eared owl, which rigidly ruffled his dark feathers and turned his head round completely to face his owner. Snape sighed exasperatedly and showed him his angry face. "I don't keep you to sit around, you lazy brute! Now come here and send this letter!"  
  
Reluctantly, the owl lumbered to the edge of his desk, nipped it grudgingly, and spreading his large eagle sized wings, flew out of the window and towards Gryffindor tower.  
  
*  
  
Dear Mr. "Sarcasm",   
  
You seem to ignore the fact that I simply AM better than you. You may call me stupid, but I get higher marks than you. Fact. You may call me ugly, but I am the student with the most girlfriends. Fact. You may call me pathetic, but I won 'The Brightest Young Wizarding Award" in the region. You simply got third-place. Fact. You brag about your logic so I'll leave you to do the maths.   
  
In short, it's you who's delusional.   
  
James sends his compliments to your delightfully bitter array of admiration and Remus apologises for your childish behavior.   
  
Sirius Black  
  
Ps. What a pathetic paralyses hex. It barely made me blink.  
  
*  
  
Severus held nib to paper very pensively and scrunching with dread, he wrote down the   
  
Dear Sirius,  
  
I want to fuck you. Hard. Don't tell your stupid friends.  
  
Severus Snape  
  
*  
  
Dear Severus,  
  
So do I. You have no friends to tell.  
  
Sirius Black  
  
*  
  
And so it began.  
  
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To be continued... .but maybe not here, telling the NC-17 ban. ;) Please leave a review. 


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